The Brooklyn Rail

There is neighbor beef happening in every corner of the city: the just-too-high-it’s-passive-aggressive fence that my grandma’s neighbors built over her driveway overnight; the perfect people-watching (or people-french-fry-stealing) lamppost that shorebirds fight over on the Coney Island boardwalk; the Flushing waterfront parking lot (where your uncle goes fishing for flounder on Sundays) that wily developers want to turn into a casino against the protests of residents who don’t want to be displaced from their apartments again.

Mostly people duke it out on their own, but the City also runs “help desks” to formally mediate non-emergency concerns: 311 for complaining about your neighbor (having a loud party they “forgot” to invite you to); the Department of Buildings’ Borough Offices for complaining about your neighbor (operating an knockoff Wendy’s drive thru out of their garage (the onion rings are actually really good fwiw!)); the Department of Finance for complaining about your neighbor (if they are not in fact a neighbor but actually a corporation committing layered tax fraud).

Only one is famous for returning all its calls (and emails): the Department of City Planning’s Zoning Help Desk, open during extended business hours, but you can always leave a voicemail and a low-level (or mid-level, why be self-deprecating!) bureaucrat will get back to you.

Burgeoning city planners have an inkling of what callers may ask: what property-owners can build (an extension, another floor, the American dream), what their neighbors can get away with (dental clinic in the garage, turret that pops up overnight, layered tax fraud), and what changes that the city is making (build, build, build!).

But, as a mentor once told Dominique, a seasoned planner covering briny, seagull Brooklyn, that “reading the Zoning Resolution is like reading the bible:” fourteen articles and ten appendices categorizing every square inch of New York City with ample room for interpretation. So, planners can expect to message the chat for backup.

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ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 8:32 am
ding!

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Not related to zoning help desk, but I was presenting to Community Board 5’s Liquor License Appointed Executive Sub-Committee At Large during their tri-monthly meeting in the Christ the King HS Cafeteria, and they were asking about rumors that the new Interboro express train line between Queens and Brooklyn runs through a Maspeth cemetery. That can’t be true, right?

TOM (Zoning Division, Executive Staff): That is correct – we are responding to complaints from our ghost constituents about the transit desert in purgatory! Boo! Hahaha. No, but it is true that we’re bulldozing a very culturally significant cemetery to build the line.

PAUL (Compliance): Omg, I went to high school there! And a ton of my family is buried in Maspeth! Small world!

Read by 231 people

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 8:38 am
diiiing!

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Pasting here an “urgent” email from a Park Slope resident:

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): https://mayoclinic.org/%20uncurable_diseases/7296-urinary-tract-infections/extreme-itchiness-discoloration/mood-swings

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): OMFG do not click on the above link!

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): “A recent report found that Park Slope has 3% fewer dog parks per pet capita than the surrounding neighborhoods of South Slope and Carroll Gardens. As a Non-Tenure Track Associate Professor of Hydrofeminist Environmental Psychogeography at CUNY Grad Center, I know all too well that the result of fewer dog parks leads to socioemotional distress among our most vulnerable youth here in Park Slope. I have attached a comprehensive land use plan of potential sites for new dog parks in our district for your review and immediate implementation.”

TOM (Zoning Division, Central Staff): Hi Norma, feel free to refer them to Rob at Parks.

TOM (Zoning Division, Central Staff): And FYI – my ex-wife used to get UTIs all the time. I used to hand make cherry juice – it was our little ritual: I’d make cherry juice, she’d tell me that she needs cranberry juice, I’d tell her that they’re both the same color, she’d tell me that I never listen to her and our marriage is a sham and that at my age I should be able to tell the difference between major fruits.

TOM (Zoning Division, Central Staff): My bad, I mean Alice at Parks, not Rob!

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 8:55 am
d(ob)ing??

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): A homeowner from Staten Island just called asking if they could construct a “watchtower” to monitor new people moving into the neighborhood

TOM (Zoning Division, Central Staff): Refer them to the Department of Buildings.

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Unionizing Zara Realty tenants sent an email asking for a list about habitability violations in their apartment

TOM (Zoning Division, Central Staff): Refer them to the Department of Buildings.

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): A pastor from Corona is asking if his church could temporarily allow recent migrants to sleep in the building’s quarters

TOM (Zoning Division, Central Staff): Wow, that’s a beautiful and selfless way to treat our neighbors – a true model of civic compassion. Refer them to the Department of Buildings.

 

Direct from Dominique to Norma | July 1 @ 8:55 am
phwoosh

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): transferring calls to DOB gives tom an inferiority complex

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Can you blame him? I would kill to have zoning code enforcement powers.

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): what you just said makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Dominique (Brooklyn Borough Office) is now in focus mode. Click to notify anyway.

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 9:13 am
ding ☹

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Just got off the call from the Concerned Original Citizens of Cross Bay Boulevard about their proposal for every high school senior to be drafted into the NYPD as armed security detail for community board district managers. Not zoning, so I don’t need to track that… right?

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): I just started in June, so correct me if I’m wrong ☺, but ALL voicemails and email conversations you receive while on the Zoning Help Desk should be added to the shared spreadsheet – even seemingly unrelated concerns. Also let’s be honest, EVERYTHING IS ZONING. Haha. ☺ Otherwise, we risk not being held accountable to the public and destroying democracy here in NYC ☺ correct me if I’m wrong though!

Liked by Tom (Zoning Division, Central Staff)

 

Direct from Norma to Dominique | July 1 @ 9:13 am
fwoosh

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): a sushi place called ZHD asking for our address… do I need to track that too? Lol

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): #maliciouscompliance

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): speaking of sushi… lunch?

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 10:02 am
ding ☺

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): A beaver from Newtown Creek is asking if he needs a special permit to build a 35-foot-tall dam in an M3-1 district.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): Refer them to ZR62-344 which states clearly the height and setback regulations for developments on piers and floating structures.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): This goes for everyone – if a caller is ever confused, the New York City Zoning Resolution is easily accessible to the public online (you’ll need to have downloaded the Adobe Acrobat Reader version 3.7) with only 81 chapters, 8 appendices, and 126 maps.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): But to answer his question, ultimately, we do not issue fines and enforcements, but the Department of Buildings most certainly will if they find out.

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): He is asking if, hypothetically, he’s done it already, what the repercussions are. Hypothetically.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): Please contact the Department of Buildings immediately.

 

Direct from Norma to Dominique | July 1 @ 10:46 am
phwwwwing

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Are you on Procurement yet?

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): like in the department of finance?

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): No, the matchmaking service for city workers managed by a whistleblowing employee in the Department of Administrative Services. It’s that guy who does everyone’s background check before you’re hired and yes, matches take 3-6 months and can be rescinded, so don’t quit your current relationship before receiving a formal offer. Use code NORMA15 for $15 off your first week!

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Did you see my message about lunch btw?

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 11:11 am
URGENT!ANGRY!DING!

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): Hi all, time sensitive ask here. I’m working on an internal report due next June and need planners who have been working for DCP for more than 10 years to fill out my 954-question survey on your commuting patterns, shouldn’t take more than 4-6 hours of your time☺

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): #lifers

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 11:47 am
dingdingding

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Starbucks’ corporate office left an email with a strongly worded letter of opposition to the Department of Transportation’s newest pedestrian safety project outside of a public elementary school on Queens Boulevard and Roosevelt Avenue. Fancy letterhead on the PDF and everything.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): DOT’s gonna love that.

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): I know, I feel bad for whatever entry level civil engineer in the agency has to meet with them to negotiate.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): No, I meant that without sarcasm. DOT loves Starbucks and they hate children. Something is deeply wrong with those people.

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): Wow, I didn’t know bureaucracies can have personalities. I thought they were made up of individual people with complex motivations and differing political orientations doing their best among extreme austerity and budget constraints.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): Nope, not really!

PAUL (Compliance): My cousin went to school on Roosevelt!

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 12:35 pm
d(A)ing

PAUL (Compliance): Image not delivered

Laugh reacted by 55

Editor’s note: Due to Brooklyn Rail’s ethical and editorial standards, we’ve redacted the AI slop image.

 

Direct from Norma to Dominique | July 1 @ 1:00 pm
phhhhhhhhhh

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Just got off my ZHD shift… I don’t have to think about Tom for the next two weeks!

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): Lol

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Lunch?

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): Darn, I wish you sent that earlier, my ZHD shift is just starting! Another time for sure!

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): ☹

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 1:34 pm
dzzzing

MIRANDA (Environmental Assessment Review Division): vzzzzegggggeeeeeeessogrigishghhuieuueuthemonsterunderyourbedisrealanditisgoingtoeatyoualiveinyoursleephgurusrgsrogoogoitssuchacutemonsterthoughdontfeeltoobadogofheueuhaefaouchocoeuehauaogjhieiieoaoaijggieoaoijgeiamthemonsterfjfjieioaei

MIRANDA (Environmental Assessment Review Division): Sorry, my cat sat on my laptop!

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): #wfh

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): Speaking of, our pilot remote work program has expired. Please speak directly with your department supervisor for more details.

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 1:47 pm
dominiquing

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): Just received a very tightly written manuscript from a pretty well-known figure in the queer YA booktok scene that uses a zoning type system in their dystopian middle grade novel and wants to make sure it is accurate.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): You can pass that along to the press team for review.

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): I already sent over very detailed notes. Mostly on plot structure though.

Note from Dominique: If any literary agents or indie imprints are reading this, I moonlight as a sci-fi writer (think: Octavia Butler, not Doctor Who, although maybe also Doctor Who) and perhaps you recognize me from queries I sent on my lunch break (especially when I’m supposed to be reviewing (approving) private land use applications from real estate mavens trying to redevelop the boardwalk).

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 2:04 pm
d311ng

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): THIRD redirect from 311 today!

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): What were they asking about?

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): Someone got bit by a possum and has dilated pupils.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): 311 should have redirected them to the Health Department.

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): We should block 311’s number.

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): Worked on my ex-wife!

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): On me, to be clear. She blocked me. It was a Tuesday

SABINA (Staten Island Borough Office): Hi! Sorry to jump in here, but I am almost certain that the caller has contracted rabies. Not sure if everyone here knows this, but rabies has a 110% fatality rate. Rabies kills thousands of New Yorkers every week. If possible, please reconnect me to the caller so I can walk them through my ten-step rabies prevention plan, although once you think you have rabies, it’s too late.

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): I didn’t save their number.

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): Double reminder of the day that everyone should be tracking all info from their calls and emails in the spreadsheet ☺

SABINA (Staten Island Borough Office): Tom, I’m wondering if there’s any leftover budget in the office discretionary party fund or frankly the federal infrastructure bill for everyone in the office to get preventatively vaccinated against rabies. Rabies typically spreads through blood, but in rare cases, it spreads through telephone call, private thought, and vibe.

Author’s note: Rabies really does have a 100% fatality rate. You might think you’re safe from rabies (you’re a person, not a feral animal, you live in Brooklyn, not deep in an infected cave), but this character of Sabina (god bless her) really knows her stuff. You can’t get tested or pre-emptively vaccinated, but you can perseverate about it, which is really just as important.

Editor’s note: Cut this section.

Author’s note: Do you think I have rabies?

Editor’s note: I think you have medical OCD and overuse parenthesis

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 3:07 pm
ding

LARRY (Reception): Hi Dominique – there is a jumbo-sized sushi platter and two dentists waiting for you at the front desk. I’m assuming they have the wrong Dominique?

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): Noooooooo

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): Tell them that I’m in a meeting please

LARRY (Reception): I already sent them to your desk

LARRY (Reception): Apologies

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): How did they find our office?!

LARRY (Reception): I got locked out letting them in and forgot my ID to re-enter, can someone let me in?

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 3:12 pm
dingdong

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): There is a party tray of sushi in the kitchen up for grabs.

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): Score!

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): Hi all. When the fellows toured waterfront urban farms in Rockaway last week to teach them about zoning for economic opportunity, we rejected all gifts. The insulated goodie bags and kale totaled $4.02, but we couldn’t bear unintentionally committing fraud, corruption, and bribery and destroying the sanctity of our agency – and really all of New York City government. Just something to think about!

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): Shit. We have to call legal counsel.

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 3:35 pm
dinq

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): any update re: sushi?

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): @Paul, we just gave you a call.

PAUL (Compliance): Hi Tom, there’s not exactly a section in the zoning text about sushi haha so we’re trying to read between the lines here.

PAUL (Compliance): @Dominique, I hate to let the food get cold, but can you give us a little more context?

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): Sushi doesn’t get cold, so we can take the time needed to be thorough!

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): We’re looking at least 75 rolls of sushi. California roll, mango roll, some kind of Philly roll…I might have offhandedly mentioned I went to school in Philly which is really kind of them

PAUL (Compliance): I meant context on the case ☺

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): ah rite

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): These two Russian dentists in Sheepshead Bay operate offices out of their homes and they are trying to merge their units into one. I told them they’d have to do a spot zoning and go through the whole CEQR/SEQRA application process which is usually for developers with multimillion dollar budgets but they told me that they were so grateful for my hard work and then they winked and said I could get a free root canal whenever I’m in Southern Brooklyn, which I did last week

DOMINIQUE (Brooklyn Borough Office): I’m kidding! They don’t take our union’s insurance!

 

Direct from Paul to Norma | July 1 @ 3:35 pm
pbhhhttthhhhhhhhhh

PAUL (Compliance): CEQR? I hardly know her!

PAUL (Compliance): Are you part of our staff union? Because I haven’t seen you around at the monthly union lunches. They give out tons of free pizza if you’re ever around!

PAUL (Compliance): Okay, you got me! We each get half a slice. But we also get dental!

PAUL (Compliance): Got me again! We don’t get dental.

PAUL (Compliance): Lunch?

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): I’m banking on the free sushi.

 

ZHD Microsoft Teams Chat | July 1 @ 4:05 pm
finallyding

PAUL (Compliance): Thanks for the wait team – I just conferred with legal counsel and as long as everyone has fewer than 5.33 pieces, we’re good to go.

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): Norma has already taken at least half the platter.

NORMA (Queens Borough Office): I didn’t have lunch yet!

TOM (Central Staff, Zoning Division): Who told the dentists our address!?

ANJALI (Urban Fellow): It should all be in the tracker!

LARRY (Reception): Can someone let me inside the building?