The Brooklyn Rail

Brown Hat

I was thinking of something you said
while I waited on the long gas line
hoping the outbreaks of the new violence
would bypass me
You said you kept on your wall a photo of us in the snow
I’ve been repeatedly trying to reach you
but I haven’t found the right combination of words
My words are dragging
I parked on Neptune Avenue to watch peaceful people
sit on benches under the trees
I walked down to the other water to find a new beginning
but the angry green sea shattered the shore
I lay my head on a stone but I didn’t sleep
My sins which pestered me were spread one by one
across the beach
I strapped my sins around my chin and wore them
proudly like trophies I’d paid for with experience
My mistakes made my footprints press hard against the sand

I missed the moment I was waiting for
because I was dreaming in my big brown hat
but I seem to have a strong blind faith
because I believe the moment
I was waiting for
is still waiting for me
somewhere in the glittery refuse
of a darkened side street I was sifting through
I don’t mind
being lost and alone left to dream
as long as I’m dreaming of you
in my big brown hat
where no one can guess what I’m thinking
which is trying to curry the sacred
scrub bad blood off my hands
so I can pull up the naked sun by its roots
for yet another blissful night of icy sunshine secrecy

John told me I’m off the radar
I don’t even like radar
I like being alone in my big brown hat
drinking coffee and dreaming of new beginnings
beginning with you again
if I can only borrow the combination of words
that will reach you
I’m begging you—give it to me—
say, tomorrow, the code, you know.

I’m ashamed to speak much these days
talking will reveal how much I lack, how much I need
My longing embarrasses me
I’m only wearing this hat to hide what I need
what I want which is to borrow something from
something unsaid in the secret sun way
which is buried beneath the sand
something to hang my hat on
THEY LIED TO ME! you said
Love lied to me!
Please don’t lie to me!
Please hold me!
I stood still with you I still stood with you
I am rearranging the worlds, the ones above I mean
I am rearranging the words, the ones below I mean
to better understand your ardor
and the order the ocean waves roll in
with word combinations
that unlock the trunk filled with your insane laughter
full of new beginnings
I’m late
they warned me not to be late
I ARRIVED BELATEDLY, ELATEDLY, but late
everyone warned me
I kept parking my cab on Neptune Avenue
until everyone was parallel
with a new momentum
and I waited for chocolate on a long line
that made no sense
because chocolate made no sense
I was not strong enough to wait
I drove all night to your childhood door
because I just had to
but you were not there
and then you were there
in the window for a minute
but your sister broke the lock
making everyone feel better
then someone died unexpectedly
and I knew better than to ask who
so I sat up straight in my broken hat
feeling better near the broken locks
as peaceful people sat inside shadows
on benches beneath cool trees

I’m late but I’ve committed no crime
I didn’t find the moment I was waiting for
but I found other things in the street
while looking for the future
which got stuck
in my palm
The letters of your name bring me comfort
I went to the library when I didn’t hear back
for the pleasure of reading your name
again and again on the spines of books
but all the letters slid to the floor
and scattered in the smokey shadows
names are sacred, and I never drop them
I scratched your name inside my hat band
to cover the mark of the mistakes
to not attract the wrong kind
mistakes are indelible
and my miscalculations are spectacular
when placed alongside your glorious destiny
covered quietly by the shadows of your fame
my letters failed to reach you
because I lacked concentration
which turned into obsession
and abated into fascination
which I’ve cut up into small pieces
to stuff inside my shoes to soften each step
I like walking alone looking for a new beginning
in my big brown hat
I walk freely under a breaking sky
with guts the world has yet to know
I was hoping the sun wasn’t done yet—