The Brooklyn Rail

On a Thursday night, after she got off work, April drove up to one of the filling stations at Pete’s Pump. Their gas was overpriced but it was past ten o’clock, and she didn’t feel like driving out of her way to find a cheaper place. The air felt balmy when she got out of her truck. It was early spring, but she could already anticipate summer’s arrival—and how quickly it would all go by. Every year she got a little older, and nothing else really changed. She swiped her debit card and fed the hose into her tank, looking around the lot idly. Then she frowned and leaned forward.

Across from the filling station about twenty yards away was the mini-mart, with two cars parked out front. One of them looked like Eli’s blue Nissan. The pump clicked off, startling her. She set it back, capped her tank, and walked over to the car, checking out the license plate. It was his. She peered at the mini-mart but didn’t see her ex through the brightly lit windows. Whirling around, she ran back to her truck and started the engine. She reversed toward the edge of the station lot, away from the lights. Then she turned off her own headlights and waited.

After a few minutes, Eli came out of the store, eating chips from a large bag. He walked steadily and appeared sober. He clamped the bag of chips with his teeth while he unlocked his car and got in. A moment later, she saw a girl saunter out in tight jeans, taking a swig from a paper bag, before getting in the car too.

April felt as if someone punched her in the stomach. It wasn’t jealousy, exactly; it was disappointment, and behind that, vindication. She followed his car as he drove east along the highway, staying back as far as she could without losing them. She’d never trailed anyone before. It was to her advantage that the highway was only two lanes, normal for one car to be behind another for several miles.

Soon, she passed the turnoff to Pine Hollow. All her kids were home. Justin and Cara were hopefully sleeping, but she’d have to let Maddy know if she was going to be much later. She figured Eli was heading to West Durham, to his apartment complex close to his sister Aiyana and his ex, Naomi. If she was still an ex. Who could keep track of all the women he’d fucked or was fucking? Fucking wasn’t a crime, but partying could be—for him. And April could tell that girl he was with was looking to party.

To her surprise, instead of staying on the highway to West Durham, Eli veered north onto the road leading to Medusa. This road was isolated, narrow and dark. April hung back until she could just see his taillights in the distance. She turned the radio off, the silence somehow making her feel less visible. After a few minutes, she saw ahead to her left a low building dotted with dim, evenly spaced lights. His car turned in that direction. As she got closer, she recognized the building: the Nitey-Nite Lodge, a budget motel from the Sixties. Back in the Catskills heyday, it attracted tourists and families on vacation. Now its reputation was sleazier, its occupants mostly campers and truckers, the occasional short-term renter.

Each dim light illuminated a doorway. Most of the windows were dark. She pulled over across the road and, with her engine still running, watched as Eli drove slowly through the sparsely filled lot. He disappeared behind the back of the building. She waited a moment, turned off her headlights, and followed him. The lot in the back was crowded, with several rooms on that side lit up behind the curtains. Eli’s car pulled in front of one of the rooms. April steered several yards away toward a spot in the rear of the lot, keeping him in sight. He stepped out of the car, carrying a dark messenger bag, and the girl got out too. He knocked on the nearest door. It opened a crack, then wider. Some kind of music thumped in the background, and a thickset, muscular man quickly ushered them in. April had the impression of other people in the room before the door closed.

She killed the engine and pondered what to do. Something about the whole scene felt off; the way that man had rushed them through the door without a greeting. “Eli, you piece of shit,” she muttered. She was sure he was dealing again. But how could she prove it? Her phone showed it was now ten thirty-five. She sent a text to Maddy: Have to do some restock so home late. Everything ok?

She could practically hear Maddy’s sigh in her response: I guess.

Good. Not sure when done so don’t wait up.

Nothing for a minute. Then: Are you drunk?

Christ, she thought, everyone’s a narc. No!

After a few minutes, the muscled man came out of the room, followed by another man, balding and older, holding the arm of a scantily clad girl. Her head was lowered and she tottered in her heels. They walked over to the next door. The muscled man let the other man and girl inside, then closed the door and went back to the first room. April released a long shaky breath; she hadn’t realized she was holding it in. A bad ugly feeling settled over her. The girl was obviously a sex worker, but unlike those April had seen in the past, this one seemed reluctant and fearful.

April had two strong opposing impulses: to flee as far and fast as she could, and to stay and call 911. Except if the police came it would cause trouble for Eli. He was a lying manipulative loser, involved in something worse than she could have imagined—but he was still Justin’s father. She wished there was someone she could call; someone she could trust. Donna, Eli’s sponsor, came to mind. But it was late. Did this count as an emergency? Or would it be better to wait until tomorrow, when they could confront Eli together? She sat holding her phone, debating.

Then Eli walked out of the motel room. He was alone, with the messenger bag slung over his shoulder. Before she could decide what to do, he was already in his car starting the engine. She started her truck too, determined to confront him. She caught up to him in the front lot, flashing her high beams and honking her horn to get his attention. He looked back through the rearview mirror, eyes wide with alarm, then narrowing in recognition. He stopped, got out of his car, and stomped over to her.

“What the hell—what’re you doing, following me?” he yelled. “Are you crazy?”

She stepped out of her truck too. “Yeah, I followed you! I saw you at Pete’s with that girl and I knew you were up to something. You’re dealing, aren’t you, you fucking liar!”

His face twitched trying to settle on an expression—outrage, denial, shame. She would have laughed if it wasn’t so pathetic. “What else, are you pimping too? The girl who came out with that fat creepy guy?—Jesus, Eli!”

“I’ve got nothing to do with any of that. I didn’t know that was going to be the scene, that’s why I got out of there.”

“What about your girl, why’d you leave her behind?”

He snorted. “They’re her friends, I was just giving her a lift.”

“You are so full of shit! I saw the bag you took in and brought out, okay? You really think I’m that stupid?!”

His lips compressed tightly. Then he opened his mouth, but before he could speak, a loud boom and flash came from behind them. They turned around and saw smoke billowing from what looked like a blown-out hole at one end of the motel. Seconds later, lights in the other rooms flicked on and people came running out, some only in t-shirts and underwear.

“What’s going on?” a woman screamed. “What’s happening?”

“Fire!” a man yelled, pointing to the smoke, which now bloomed higher, with flames shooting out through the gaping hole. An acrid chemical stench filled the air. “Shit!” the woman said, dashing back to her room.

“Oh fuck me,” said Eli. “Don’t tell me some asshole was trying to freebase. I can’t fucking believe this night!” More people began to run out to the lot, several coming from the rear of the motel. Everyone was frantic and screaming: “Holy shit, did you see that?” “The window blew out!” “Someone call 911!”

“Wait here,” Eli said, running toward the back of the building. April nodded mutely, staring as the flames reached the roof, short hot sparks licking at the sky. Sounds crashed around her in jumbled chaos but it seemed as if everyone moved in slow motion. Some people drove off in their cars but most, like her, stood at the scene gaping. She had always been in awe of fire, ever since she could remember.

Suddenly Eli was back again, grabbing her arm. “We have to go right now. Get in your truck and follow me.”

“Did you find her?”

He shook his head frantically. “Too crazy, everyone’s running in all directions. We gotta get out of here too.”

“What was going on back there?”

“Sweet holy Christ,” he said, nearly sobbing, “the cops are gonna come any minute, and when they do, I can’t be here, do you understand? I’m fucking dead if that happens.” He coughed, turning away for a moment, then looked into her eyes. “Listen. I’m asking you to help me, for the last time, I swear. Not just for me but for us. For Justin.”

“Oh, don’t you dare.” But she knew he was right. She’d made the mistake of allowing him into their son’s life, and now she’d have to make sure he came through okay. Far off in the distance, they heard the sound of sirens approaching.

“Come on!” he cried.

“Where are we going?”

“Just tail me.”

As she pulled out of the lot she looked back once more at the fire, which now seemed to engulf nearly half the building. Then she sped forward to catch up to Eli. This time she followed him closely, and though he drove fast, he made sure she didn’t lose him.

They backtracked to the highway toward West Durham, staying on it for the next five miles. She had a feeling they weren’t going to his apartment, and she was right. Just as they entered the town, he detoured south at the junction leading to Ashland. About a mile further on, they approached a mini strip mall. Eli turned into the parking lot, and she did too. The lot was empty, lit only by neon signs from three businesses: a nail salon, dry cleaner, and hardware store. When April got out, she noticed two vacant storefronts with “For Lease” signs taped to the windows, something she’d grown used to seeing in almost every town over the last two years.

Eli stood beside his car holding the messenger bag, waiting for her. Something tense about his posture, and her awareness of how isolated they were, made her suddenly fearful. Did he mean to harm her? What if the bag contained not drugs but weapons? For a moment, she could barely breathe. Slowly, she backed away from him. “What are we doing here? Why do you have that bag?”

“Jesus, relax.” He took two steps toward her, then stopped. Now she could see his expression, the genuine bewilderment. “You’re scared of me? Shit,” he said softly. “You actually think I could hurt you? You’re the mother of my kid. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

As he spoke, her fear abated. But she was still unnerved. “Look, I need to know what’s going on. What were you doing there tonight?”

He sighed heavily. “I was doing what you thought. Okay? Jess said she knew of a party, people looking for some blow. She’s hooked me up before. So, we go there and do the deal. I got the cash right here,” he said, tapping the bag. “Anyway, it was a weird scene. Not the usual party, you know...all those hookers. I wanted to cut out but Jess didn’t. So I left.”

He was so dismissive about the girl, April had to believe there was nothing more between them. “Shouldn’t you call her, see if she’s okay?”

He shook his head. “No way. Not ’til I know how this’ll play out. But first I have to show you something. It’s important.” He led them to the far end of the long building, where a darkened “Public Storage” sign hung above a metal door and large gated window. Two American flags swayed from the low roof. He pulled out his keys and opened the door to a small entryway that lit up as soon as they stepped inside. There was another door about fifteen feet ahead. He opened it and they walked through a narrow, harshly lit corridor lined on both sides with several locked storage units.

He stopped in front of a small cube, inserted a key, and swung the door open, revealing a large metal box secured with a padlock. Holding it out to her, he said, “Open it. The combination is Justin’s birthday.” It took her a moment to think of the date as numbers. When she lifted the lid, she let out a small gasp—not at the money, which she’d expected, but at the amount. The surreal sight of it. There were several hundred and twenty-dollar bills, along with some tens and fives, all separated by rubber bands in jumbled stacks.

“Holy shit. How much is in here?”

“About forty-two thousand.” He unzipped the messenger bag and produced another thick wad of bills, which he added to the box. “Plus eight hundred.”

“But—how can there be so much? I thought all your money went to your lawyers.”

“Some of it did. Not all. And then I made some more.”

A slow rage began to burn in her. “And all this time you cried poor! You lying piece of shit.”

His face reddened. “Aiyana thought I shouldn’t tell you. She said to save it all for Justin.”

“That bitch! I was asking for Justin! You thought I was going to spend it on myself? Take a five-star cruise around the world?”

“I’m sorry. But listen: I’m giving it all to you now. Do you understand?”

“Why?” she asked, suspicious.

“In case they connect me to what happened tonight.”

“But you didn’t have anything to do with that explosion.”

“Doesn’t matter. They’ll do a full sweep of the building, and there were a lot of drugs at that party. I don’t know if those guys had time to clean out before they ran. And all those witnesses. Let’s just say I’m a lot more paranoid now than I was ten years ago.” He closed the box, locked it, and put it back in the storage cube. Then he pulled off three keys from his chain and gave them to her. “The smaller one’s for this locker. Write down the number. These two are for the doors outside—don’t lose those keys. There’s only one other set, and no one but me knows where it is, not even Aiyana.”

“Does she know what you’ve been up to lately?”

“No. And if this blows over, I’d prefer she never does.”

April shook her head in amazement. “How do you even keep track of what you tell to who? And why this big confession now? What if nothing happens? You gonna take the keys back and switch lockers?”

“No. I’m telling you now ’cause I have no choice. You busted me. If they come after me, you keep the money for Justin. Consider it a show of trust. All I’m asking is that you do the same.”

“Eli, are you—how can I trust you?” she sputtered. “You’ve been lying to me for months, just like you lied to me ten years ago. All I can trust is that you’ll lie to me again. Your money’s not going to change that.”

“I’m trying to make things right. Jesus—fine, okay, don’t trust me. Just keep an open mind is all I’m asking.”

“About what?”

“About me. I know that’s asking a lot right now. But I was in a good place for a while. You know it. I was doing really well until you started doubting me.”

“Please, let’s not go there again.”

He started to object, then stopped. “All right,” he said finally. “Hold onto those anyway. We should get going, it’s late.”

She hesitated. Accepting the keys felt like a bribe. But it made sense for her to safeguard the money. Who knew how long he could stay out of trouble?

“Come on,” he said, turning to walk down the hallway. “Show me how you lock up.”

She stared at the locker for a moment. Then she pulled out her phone, took a picture of the number, and caught up to him.