311, HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU?

Gabby, 30, sits in her fluorescent cubicle peering through thick lashes at her Grandstream corded phone. It’s her second day of training. Brian, 60s, a wiry, long-faced man, supervises her. He wears a headset.

Incoming call.

GABBY

(Cheerily)

311, my name is Gabriella, how may I assist you?

The sound of running water and the

yelps of a small dog.

CALLER 17

My lanlawd flooded my apartment, there’s watah all ovah the floowah, it’s comin through the ceiling—Lulu! I gotta get my dawg. Lulu! Come here, mama. Oh, she’s all wet, she’s too smwall for this! You gotta send somebody!

GABBY

I’m sawry, ma’am. Watah damage is a Class C violation and your lanlawd has to resowlve the issue within twenty fouwa ‘owahs.

CALLER 17

He said he won’t fix it, he’s makin me wait a week. A full week. What am I ‘sposed to do? Put my dawg in a drawah?

GABBY

Listen, file a grievance. That’s step one. I’ll send the grievance to the HPD, they’ll contact your lanlawd, and we’ll make shore it’s fixed.

CALLER 17

Well how long’s that gonna take?

GABBY

Two to five business days.

CALLER 17

Five days?! Ohmygawd.

GABBY
I’m sawry, it’s appawling. I’ll write “EMERGENCY” in the note. But listen, take. pictures. of everything. ’Cause if it’s not fixed, you could take your lanlawd to housing court.

CALLER 17

You’re right. I can sue that mutha fucka for more money than he’s worth! I say the watah’s pourin in, and that lowlife baggadicks has the audacity to bring me rain boots and a hard hat. Put that in the note. Rain boots and a hard hat. That’s harassment!

GABBY
Well, ma’am, actually, that changes things.

CALLER 17

Yeah? I can get him on harassment?

GABBY

Well, no, actually… technically your lanlawd is in compliance.

CALLER 17

Um. What’re you sayin to me?

GABBY

Lanlawds have a seven day extension on Class C violations if they provide tenants the necessary means to shelter in place. “Rain boots for issues pertaining to flooding, and one hard hat per member of the household for issues involving structural collapse.”

DIAL TONE

BRIAN

Okay! That’s certainly a start. But you gotta be quick to get to the script. As soon as they describe the issue, you ask the scripted questions: Did the landlord provide each member a pair of boots? A hard hat? She says, yes. You end the call. Bingbangboom. Okay, next one, here we go!

Incoming call.

CALLER 18

Khello. Khello?

ZHHHHHHHHH

GABBY

311, my name is Gabriella, how may I assist you?

CALLER 18

I want to make big complaint, big complaint, for big noise.

ZHHHHHHHHH

GABBY
Uh huh, so you want to make a noise complaint? What’s the location, sir?

CALLER 18

Seven-two-tree-two seexty-feefth place. Queens.

ZHHHHHHHHH

GABBY
Awwlright, sir, and describe the issue?

CALLER 18

They drill and drill no stop, they drill open my head for six weeks. You hear me? How I can sleep?

ZHHHHHHHHH

GABBY
That’s awful, sir, I’m sawry. I’ll file your grievance now.

CALLER 18

I already file grievance, you check now, khow many grievance for this location, you tell me. Khow much?

ZHHHHHHHHH

GABBY
Uh, well. Oh…wow.

CALLER 18

Khow much?!

ZHHHHHHHHH

GABBY
Well, sir, as you indicated, there are 1,436 outstanding grievances.

CALLER 18

FIFTEEN HUNDRED? Khow? Khow nobody do nothing?

GABBY
Con Edison is conducting utility repayah and has the authority to operate outside of official construction ‘owahs on roads with heavy traffic.

CALLER 18
So you make me deaf?!

GABBY
Unfowatunately, you will have to wait until project completion, sir. But I’ll file this grievance—

ZHHHHHHHHH

CALLER 18

No, no! No file. I make my own grievance now. I survive the Operation Storm. You hear me? I show you grievance!

DIAL TONE

BRIAN
Golly are you getting good! You got in, you got out. That’s great. But Gabby. You never, ever, EVER reveal city information. You show people the backend and they’ll go nuts. We represent the city. We’re the face, Gabby. But we’re also the moat. Someone calls you upset? Your job is to help them tread water. Alright, next one! Do it Gabby! Knock ‘em dead!

Incoming call.

CALLER 19

Hi, 311?

GABBY
Hi, yes, 311, this is Gabriella, how may I assist you?

CALLER 19

Hi, I’m calling about the city compensation guarantee? I lost my apartment in a fire four months ago and the City said I’d be sent a debit card to cover the damages? I haven’t received one yet.

GABBY
Awlright, let me check on what’s going on for you. Can I have your full name?

CALLER 19

Fatou, f a t o u. Njie, n j i e.

GABBY
Fatou…oh! I see it here. Kamber Property Group, South Bronx, Site 4 apartment 4F?

CALLER 19

Yeah, that’s me.

GABBY
Okay, Ms. Njie, so you have an outstanding questionnaire, once you submit it, the city can finalize compensation. Would you like to do it now?

CALLER 19

Yes please.

GABBY
Okay, what is your current mailing address?

CALLER 19
138 Yonkers Avenue.

GABBY
Great. Can you confirm where the fire originated?

CALLER 19

Um, my neighbor’s apartment, the floor below mine.

GABBY
I’m glad you’re okay.

CALLER 19

Yeah, thanks.

GABBY
Okay, and were you in your apartment at the time of the fire?

CALLER 19

I was, yeah. It woke me up.

GABBY
Were you present when the flames entered your apartment?

CALLER 19

The smoke came first, but by the time I got to my door the flames were coming through my kitchen, yeah.

GABBY

I’m so sawry, ma’am. I hate to make you relive that. Okay, last question, can you confirm that you closed your doors upon leaving the apartment?

CALLER 19

Um, no, no I don’t think I did. I mean, everything was really hot to touch and I couldn’t really see. I just ran.

GABBY
Okay, ma’am. Thank you, thank you for answering honestly. Unfowatunately, the City’s fire policy is unable to provide compensation unless the tenant can confirm they closed each of their apartment doors.

CALLER 19

I…um…

GABBY
Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

CALLER 19

No.

GABBY
Alright, ma’am you have a nice day.

BRIAN
That was it, Gabby. That was perfect. Welcome to 311.

End of play.