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Penis Learns How To Sing

If you have heard the stories of Woodchuck you know that Woodchuck was always losing his penis which he carried in a box but never locked.
Once he lost his penis he went madly searching for it everywhere because he knew what trouble could result if he didn’t find it.

During one of these times when Woodchuck’s penis was at large a traveling opera company was passing through.

The Diva of the opera was loved by one and all but those who knew her personally knew that she was also a tyrant.

One day before an evening performance the Diva could find nothing right in her accommodations.

“This is an outrage!” she yelled at her handlers. “None of what I requested is in this room! How could you have me sleeping in such a bed as I was forced to sleep in last night? Who ever heard of a person of my stature having to endure such indignities!”

She ordered her handlers out of her sight. “Be gone” she said, and waved her arms with finality.

In truth, it was something of a ritual for the Diva who needed to raise her emotional level in order to bring herself to the pitch of passion needed for her performances.

But as she reached the door to shut the last of her handlers out she heard a noise behind her.

She turned around and discovered Woodchuck’s penis had found its way into her room.

“Well” said the Diva, “Now this is something. I have heard of you. We could use someone of your talents in our company. Tell me, do you sing?”

Penis stood silently, pulsing.

“I see you nodding” said the Diva. “But I don’t hear anything coming from your mouth. Come, try to sing. Follow my lead”—and the Diva sang scales—“Do re mi fa sol la ti do”—in a beautiful alto.

Penis arched up and tried to open his mouth as wide as he could, but no noise came out.

“No, no, no, no!” said the Diva. She put a hand with outstretched fingers against her stomach. “From here” she said. “From the diaphragm.”

Again penis strained, but no sound came out.

The Diva came over to him. “From here” she said and she pressed his middle. “Feel it.”

At this, Penis seemed to find some deep reserve within him and began to vibrate. He emitted a soft but growing tenor hum.

“Very good!” said the Diva. “Yes, I think there’s a place for you here, most definitely” she said.

Just then, there seemed to be commotion outside the room. Diva’s room was at the top of a staircase, and someone was heard rushing up the stairs.

“Quick” said the Diva. “I think someone is after you. Hide under my skirt.”

The Diva was wearing a floor length skirt which she raised up for Penis to hide beneath.

Woodchuck burst into the room and without introduction began scurrying all around looking for his penis.

“Who are you!” shouted the Diva. “This is highly unusual! Coming in to MY room without first having yourself announced!”

Woodchuck paid the Diva no mind, and was now rummaging in her closet.

The Diva was about to seize him bodily when from under her skirt Penis again began to hum.

“Ohhh” said Diva without meaning to.

Woodchuck stopped what he was doing and looked at her. He grew in size as he was able to do. Now they were equal in stature.

“Yes, yes” said the Diva trying to think quickly. “You are wondering why I am humming. Well the answer is very simple really. It is this. Let me see how should I explain it to you?”

Of course the Diva was stalling for time but it wasn’t working because under her skirt Penis was still humming. This wasn’t helping her concentration much either.

“Yes” said Diva at last. “It is this. You see I am a very highly trained opera singer and it has taken me years and years to reach this level of talent. So even when I am not on stage singing my voice is so powerful that it keeps humming inside me even in moments like these. It is sort of like an engine that idles even when it is not accelerating.”

Woodchuck merely stared at her.

The Diva took advantage of his pause and regained her hauteur. “But what you have not explained is why you have barged into MY room without so much as an explanation. This is an outrage! I demand that you leave this instant!”

Woodchuck had searched everywhere there was to search in the room it seemed. There was only one more place he could think of that he had not yet searched.

But the Diva’s will was now too strong to be overmastered. “Do you hear me?” she said. “Out!”

Woodchuck quickly left the room.

The Diva went over to the door behind him and locked it.

Penis came out from under her skirt. He glistened somewhat with what must have been perspiration for it was very hot under there.

“And as for you…” said the Diva and then she smiled. “Yes I do think there is a place for you with our company. You sing so beautifully. In fact I think I’d enjoy lying back right now and listening to you sing some more!”


Ted Pelton

Ted Pelton is the author of several books, all fiction: Bhang, Endorsed by Jack Chapeau 2 an even greater extent, Malcolm & Jack (and Other Famous American Criminals), and the novella, Bartleby, the Sportscaster. He is also the Executive Director of Starcherone Books, and a Professor of Humanities at Medaille College of Buffalo, NY.


The Brooklyn Rail

APRIL 2009

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