ELK SLEEPS WITH HIS OWN WIFE BY MISTAKE
by Ted Pelton
Woodchuck had a friend named Elk with whom he had adventures.
Elk had a wife with whom Elk did not get along.
One day Woodchuck visited holding the box containing his penis as always.
Is that a gift for me said Elk’s wife.
Did you hear that said Elk later to Woodchuck.
She just said that to get at me.
She knows perfectly well what you have in that box everyone does.
She is always aggravating me.
Let’s have a drink.
So Woodchuck and Elk went drinking and Elk began flirting like he always did.
Elk had very big antlers and liked to show them off to girls when he drank.
Soon Woodchuck had nothing to do so he thought about Elk’s wife who was very good looking herself.
Maybe he did have something to give her.
Where is that no good husband of mine said Elk’s wife when Woodchuck appeared back at her door.
Woodchuck said nothing.
He did not need to.
This began an affair between Elk’s wife and Woodchuck.
Elk’s wife wanted revenge on Elk but she did not want to get caught so she was very worried when Woodchuck arranged to meet her.
Is that him or that she would start at the slightest noise.
They agreed that some plan was needed which was arrived at the next day.
Woodchuck had again gone drinking with Elk and when Elk went off after some tail he saw.
Woodchuck doubled back to Elk’s house.
He was greeted at the door by a very pretty woman he didn’t recognize.
It’s me said Elk’s wife and she revealed how she had changed her hair and make-up and clothes to look like someone else.
But by this time Woodchuck’s penis was getting bored.
One day when Woodchuck and Elk were drinking it saw something new and wandered off.
By the time Woodchuck returned to the box where he had left it carelessly the penis was gone without a trace.
Woodchuck knew what trouble could result and so left immediately to go after it.
Ah that Woodchuck said Elk to himself.
It’s always the same with him and his penis.
Well I’m not having any fun now so I might as well go home.
In the meantime Elk’s wife of course had dressed up again both so that if Elk came back and found her with Woodchuck he would not recognize her and because she knew Woodchuck and his penis enjoyed new things.
So when Elk arrived at his house he found his wife in disguise.
Who are you he said.
I am one of your wife’s friends said Elk’s wife playing along thinking that really her own husband must recognize her and it was silly to try fooling him.
Elk flirted I didn’t know my wife had any friends as pretty as you.
Soon they made love.
But afterward Elk asked his wife her name and she realized it wasn’t play.
Elk hadn’t known it was her.
So you sleep with other women she said.
I didn’t sleep with any other women said Elk.
But you thought I was another woman when you slept with me.
Elk turned and ran away but Elk’s wife was also a good runner and she chased him through the woods.
They would stop and argue and then they would run and they got angrier and angrier.
They had argued before many times but this time Elk grew so mad he wandered into a broad clearing.
There an avid sportsman killed Elk with a single bullet in the center of his chest from a tree stand at the farther end of the field with the most well-engineered hunting rifle ever designed to that time a shot a Marine sniper would be proud of.
Today Elk can be seen still but never by the likes of you or me.
His head is mounted with antlers well-displayed in an exclusive club for immensely wealthy and powerful men in one of our large cities where now with marbles for eyes dead Elk still has the bewildered look of when he realized he had slept with his own wife by mistake.
Ted Pelton is the author of several books, all fiction: Bhang, Endorsed by Jack Chapeau 2 an even greater extent, Malcolm & Jack (and Other Famous American Criminals), and the novella, Bartleby, the Sportscaster. He is also the Executive Director of Starcherone Books, and a Professor of Humanities at Medaille College of Buffalo, NY.