Mayoral candidate Christopher X. Brodeur’s relentlessly outspoken commentaries and performances have made him a thorn in the side of both the Giuliani and Bloomberg administrations. Given the empty rhetoric that often passes for political debate in the city, the Rail thought it worthwhile to explore a few of CXB’s many iconoclastic ideas.

Williams Cole (Rail): What are the top three reasons you’re running for mayor?

Christopher X. Brodeur: First, taxpayers want the most honest, most intelligent, and most qualified person to run their government, and I’m not only the candidate who fits this bill best, I’m the only candidate who fits this bill at all, as the “major” candidates aren’t even qualified to be borough president! Second, most taxpayers are as angry as I am, and they’re sick and tired of being forced to “choose” between Robot A (the Republican Drone) and Robot B (the Democrat Drone). I offer the only real choice they’ve ever had in their entire lives. I don’t want to run for Mayor but I have an obligation to, and 100% of people I speak to out there say NYC needs me. Third, I don’t intend to win—this is because even though I’m polling at 100% in every poll you could do, the media and the pollsters won’t permit me to be included in any of their “polls,” because they know voters want the candidate who will outlaw lying by all politicians, outlaw all fiscal waste by government, make the subways free, and much more. And that candidate is me! But by running I can also raise the bar and force the “major” candidates to talk issues that they don’t want to talk about, as Howard Dean did with his criticisms of the Iraq War.

Rail: Out of your “100 Innovations for NYC,” which five do you think will really get the most New Yorkers to vote for you and why?

CXB: First of all, 100% of taxpayers want free subways, and I would win the election with just that one selling point. (It saves you over $300,000,000 a year on stupid fare collection costs, and improves the subways more ways than you can count, such as eliminating all the locked entrances and exits.) Second, my plan to put all major issues on referendum ballots (made permanent via Charter revision my first year in office) will forever change corrupt government by putting the taxpayers in charge. Does NYC want the Freedom Tower? A Jets Stadium? The 50% and 75% pay raises Giuliani gave himself and the lazy City Council? Does Staten Island want a NASCAR track? Do the taxpayers approve of eminent domain corruption? Hell no, and creating this new law will forever stop all these scams and more. Third, my plan to outlaw and crack down on media corruption is beloved by 100% of city residents both conservative and liberal. This is one reason the media will write about “longshots” like Gifford Miller (polling at 12%!) or Thomas Ognibene (polling at 0%), but not the “longshot” polling at 100%! My plan not only cleans up media, it also earns us billions of dollars in fines (for each misleading story) which I can use to build more affordable housing, pay off student loans, and cut your taxes and bills in half.

Fourth, my seemingly revolutionary plan to socialize electricity and phone service is a dream-come-true for 100% of New Yorkers. There is no logical advantage to opening phones and electricity——both very basic services——to the “free market” just as there is no logic to open the police department to capitalism. Do a poll and see how many voters would like to never get another phone bill or Con Ed bill. Again, I’m polling at 100% in contrast to the “major” candidates polling zero percent on this and every other issue you can cite. And for my fifth TKO, my plan to outlaw lying by politicians will forever clean up government, as this will almost single-handedly fix half the problems in society. Crime, failing public schools, Iraq, terrorism, poverty, violence, homelessness, and nearly every ill you can name is the by-product of our crooked politicians. 100% of New Yorkers agree with me that we must make it illegal for any politician to make any deceptive statements, just as it’s already illegal for used car dealers, auto mechanics and every other businessman to do so. If I can make enough noise, we can force Bloomberg and the other clowns to address this issue and squirm.

Rail: You need to be brief on this one. Try an exercise in modern political spin and give us a soundbite on why voters should pay attention to you.

CXB: NYC is dying and almost dead. Every day, more mom and pop stores close (due to 400% rent hikes) and corporations are taking over everything. The deficit and debt in NYC is the largest of any municipality on earth and growing at record pace, just as your rent, your taxes, your bills, trash, and most other problems are. If you want more of the same, then vote for one of these clowns. But if you want new leadership (and guaranteed solutions or your money back), vote CXB. The choice is yours. Good luck.