Voter’s Guide for the American Immoderate

Illustrations by Judy Rifka

Rich people will be taxed till their eyes bleed. We’ll squeeze them dry like sausages.

We’ll work immigrants till they’re shells of humanity. Then we’ll deport them back to their homelands, where they’ll die in the streets.

I guarantee healthcare for every man, woman, child, and household pet in this country.

In order to provide adequate electricity for medical procedures and healthcare, the uninsured will run treadmills through the course of their treatment.

A real man could hunt down an animal with his hands.

Just don’t take your assault rifle to the airport.

Other nations can have dictators if it’s part of their cultural heritage.

Illustrations by Judy Rifka

If another nation wants democracy, that’s something we can vote on.

Everyone has the right to choose … to choose not to make difficult decisions.

A fetus at any stage of development is a precious human life. Besides, if we allow abortion, how many precious human lives will we have left to neglect, abuse, imprison, and execute?

I don’t care whether you’re red, yellow or green: you deserve special treatment.

Corporations are like people: they need love, too.

Contributor

John Reed

John Reed's novels include A Still Small Voice (Delacorte 2000) and Snowball's Chance, which will be published by Roof Books this September. He lives in Manhattan.

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