The Starry Skies Above: Astro-Reports
Aries Romantically, the ram’s fleece is waterlogged until January, soggy with fluids perhaps most politely described as unconscious, nocturnal drool. Get the hair dryer out in the New Year and fluff up those curls. Just don’t spontaneously combust under the Full Moon on Jan. 18th.
Taurus You are especially prey to temptation this winter. The drinks are spiked, the mince pies spiced. Close your eyes, zip your lips, and put your fingers in your ears. If this proves uncomfortable to sustain, at least try to divert office conversation from fetish gear and dubious adulterous cheer.
Gemini Saturn continues its retrograde hike through your sign—like having your back raked by Freddy Kruger in a disco suit. Wear the scars with pride—someday your Edward Scissorhands will come, and with a cry of glad recognition, claim you as his own.
Cancer An eclipsed Full Moon on Dec. 19th in the sign of the Crab ushers in a New Year of obscure pecadillos—a crusade to save Sri Lankan geckos or a serious dedication to toilet Feng Shui for lovers perhaps. Expect arguments from pedantic old goats.
Virgo Finally industry people are talking about your famous herbal aphrodisiacs and remedies for gout. But now that tiger penises are in such short supply, beware of Machiavellian imitators overseas. Take a tip from Colonel Saunders and keep the recipes in a nuclear-proof vault.
Libra Beware of antiquarian book dealers, Chinese calligraphers, and journalists with amber eyes. Like a cartel of killjoys, they seeks to destroy your on-going flirtation with genius, and end forever your very real chance of being hailed as the digital photo shoot model of your generation.
Scorpio All good things must come to an end, Jan. 17th to be precise. I hope you saved the receipts from those dens of iniquity you have been frequenting since September. Only you would be able to write off such licentious behavior as research. Do burn the videos though.
Sagittarius December brings psychic reinforcements to the beleagured Archer—much like food and warmth returning to Leningrad under siege. In January the cosmic authorities ship in entertainment for the troops— your facade of suffering cracks open in vodka fuelled, fur-lined revelry. Enjoy, but don’t take aim at any apples.
Capricorn New Year, New Moon, new career as a cycle courier or pirate radio clairvoyant. Seriously though, you are a Grand Central Station of ideas and messages this winter, and do use your new found eclecticism to procure favours of the mighty. You will disappoint me if you don’t.
Aquarius At last. January 20th unveils the new you. Sprouting a unicorn horn and sporting gnomic, binary code facial tattoos, you are the face of the future, now. Tell us the approaching alien machine is really a giant remote control programming, intergalactic trends in haircuts. We need to believe.
Pisces Admit it fish, you have enjoyed the spectacular demise of 2002. It was all pearls in wine and besotted admirers for you, n’est-ce pas? But January lights some fireworks under the aquarium and a spell of travel is prescribed to cure an uncomfortable dose of the romantic jitters.