Local
Some Rules for the Conduct of Young Gentlemen, Part 2
Never wear those visor-hats with advertising messages on them. Especially those that consist of visor only. Very tacky.
Don’t tip back on chairs, especially straight chairs or those with rickety legs. They could break apart and embarrass you, and cost the owners time and money.
Always fumigate the bathroom after you drop a load. Just burn a couple of matches. This applies to any bathroom used by other people. Oddly, your own smell isn’t offensive to yourself. This rule does not apply to vegetarians.
Butter only as much bread as you’re going to put in your mouth, never the whole slice. A big, buttered slab is unattractive.
Speak clearly and slowly enough to be understood, without the hearer having to say, "What? What?"
When you yawn, cover your mouth with your hand. Better, yawn with your mouth closed; this gives your face a peculiar, strained expression, but you can usually get away with it.
If you have a girl at your place in the city, at the end of the evening walk her to her bus stop or put her in a taxi. Don’t send her out into the night alone. Better still, offer to pay for a taxi. Or see her home.
Avoid using popular cliches like, "Get off my case." Or saying to mixed company, "You guys." Also avoid using the expression "What’s his face" instead of "What’s his name."
Think ahead. What can go wrong? Always carry the right change for the bus. And quarters for the telephone. If you’re meeting someone in a public place, make double-sure you’ve got the right street, corner, theater, or whatever. Have a mutually-agreed-upon phone number you each can phone in case something goes wrong.
Remember: groups like Hare Krishna, Moonies, Scientologists, are to laugh at. Same is true of astrology, horoscopes, numerologists, tarot cards, and handwriting analysts.
When you go out, always carry a pencil and paper. You never know when you’ll need them. Also, if possible, a comb, and some tissues.
Generosity: Always give the other person the larger piece. You may lose a mouthful, but you’ll gain the reputation of being a great and generous person. Worth it.
As presented by William Rossa Cole to his teenage sons in the 1980s
Contributor
William Rossa ColeWILLIAM ROSSA COLE (1919 - 2000), editor, essayist, and light-verse poet, authored or co-authored over 80 anthologies and children's books, including the classic Beastly Boys and Ghastly Girls.
RECOMMENDED ARTICLES
inSerial: part fourteen
The Mysteries of Paris
By Eugène Sue, translated from French by Robert Bononno
FEB 2020 | Fiction
It had just struck ten in the morning. In the middle of a large room on the ground floor, located next to Rodolphe’s office, Murph sat at a desk sealing messages. An usher, dressed in black and wearing a silver chain around his neck, opened the two leaves of the door to the waiting room and announced: “His Excellency, Baron Graün.”
inSerial: part five
The Mysteries of Paris
By Eugène Sue, translated from the French by Robert Bononno
FEB 2019 | Fiction
At that moment Rodolphe instructed the driver, who had passed the village of Sarcelles, to take the first road on the right, cross Villiers-le-Bel, and then turn left, heading straight. Turning to La Goualeuse, he said “Now that you’re satisfied with me, we can amuse ourselves with building castles in Spain. It doesn’t cost much, so you can’t reproach me for the expense.”
inSerial: part eight
The Mysteries of Paris
by Eugène Sue, translated from the French by Robert Bononno
MAY 2019 | Fiction
It was midday and the rain fell in torrents. The Seine, swollen by the continuous downpour, had risen to a dangerous height and flooded part of the wharf. From time to time, Rodolphe glanced impatiently at the toll gate. Finally, in the distance, he saw a man and woman advance behind the shelter of an umbrella. He recognized the Schoolmaster and the Owl.
inSerial: part fifteen
The Mysteries of Paris
By Eugène Sue, translated from French by Robert Bononno
MAR 2020 | Fiction
Baron de Graün continued: “About 18 months ago, a young man by the name of François Germain arrived in Paris from Nantes, where he had been employed by the banking firm of Noël & Company. Based on statements made by the Schoolmaster and several letters found on him, it appears that the scoundrel to whom he had entrusted his son for the sole purpose of corrupting him, so he might one day be of use to his criminal activities, revealed the terrible plot to the young man when he suggested that he assist them in an attempted robbery and forgery at the firm of Noël & Company, where François Germain worked.
